Gummage Coordinationally Challenged

Gummage for the Coordinationally-Challenged One

 

The Birth of Gummage 

I know you are asking—gummage? That's a team sport? Until now this “unique in concept” team sport—similar to football, soccer, lacrosse—that kind of team sport—was known only to the few people in Mumption Falls Metro, Iowa (as in Denver Metro, Colorado). The two main cities in Mumption Falls Metro are Upper and Lower Mumption Falls. A gummage game was played by a team from Upper Mumption Falls High School against a team from Lower Mumption Falls High School—they only played each other!

The reason I am writing this is the creator of gummage, Spelvin Goolie, died recently at 89. I feel that his unique concept for team sports in America is so important in understanding American culture that I am publishing the workings and history of the team sport of gummage in honor of Spelvin’s insightful concept. His revelation is that in GUMMAGE— WHEN YOU GET THE MOST POINTS, YOU LOSE! 

 

The team sport of gummage finds its birth in a poem by a person whose athletic prowess has no recorded history— Emily Dickinson. Nevertheless, it was upon Spelvin Goolie’s reading of the following poem in sophomore English class in the fall of 1951 that was responsible for the conception of gummage! At this juncture, I quote Miss Dickinson’s motivating poem:

 

“Success Is Counted Sweetest”

Success is counted sweetest

by those who ne’er succeed

to contemplate a nectar

requires sorest need.

 

Not one of all the purple host

who took the flag today

can tell the definition

so clear of victory

 

As he defeated — dying —

on whose forbidden ear

the distant strains of triumph

burst agonized and clear!

 

As Spelvin finished this poem, a tear trickled noticeably down his cheek. He knew his opportunity for “the distant strains of triumph bursting on our agonized ears” finally could happen! You will come to learn that Spelvin and I were among those always chosen last as team members during PE gym classes.  For lack of a better term, let me say we were both coordinationally-challenged! You know, always in right field, can only block, never shoot, just keep score. You will also find out later that Spelvin had an unfortunate incident when trying out for varsity soccer in his sophomore year. This incident caused a light bulb to go on in Spelvin’s brain, never to be extinguished! When he got to math class, he quickly finished his homework assignment and began to outline the first and classic gummage field — called a “gummage pitch,” as in “soccer pitch.”

 

I might also remark to those who are quite accomplished in every sport and are drafted having to make a choice among football, baseball, basketball, and hockey when they are in college, will nevertheless enjoy this mind-boggling sport. The superlative genius demonstrated by Spelvin’s basic gummage concept will touch everyone who embraces the slightest fondness for athletics.

 

Even so, Spelvin’s fundamental concept for gummage drove a dagger into the heart of all team sports forever! Spelvin made the object of gummage — TO LOSE! When a gummage team of seven players would have “left everything on the field” by the final gun only to discover they had the higher score, thereby, LOSING, you can see that Spelvin Goolie (via Emily Dickinson) turned team sports on its ear!

 

There are two parts to Spelvin’s genius: The first part is that “losers” now can finally become “winners,” by losing! The other part is the intellectual inside-out-thinking needed to play— leaving everything on the field—then, when you win in points, YOU LOSE!

 

Let me introduce myself—my name is Munford Rutz. My father is Mumford Rutz, the well-known saltine tycoon from Upper Mumption Falls, Iowa—you probably guessed it—Rutz Crackers! You also may have noticed that my father's name is Mumford and mine is Munford. Consequently, I am not a junior! My father was a junior and hated it—he wanted to be his own person—not a version of his father who ran his business like a robber baron! He vowed that if he had a son, the son would not be a Junior!

 

His father was born in 1911 when Upper and Lower Mumption Falls did not exist. As a matter of fact, his father bought 280 square miles or 179,200 acres of land between the current Lower Mumption Falls and Upper Mumption Falls. At the same time, he purchased 15 acres in the real estate of the soon-to-be-created town of Upper Mumption Falls where he built his home.

 

When my father, who was Mumford Rutz, Junior, took charge of the business, located on the 179,200 acres of land, his humane values replaced his father’s purely monetary values! Things turned around so that workers were now treated like family—still providing my father and his family a comfortable lifestyle! Consequently, my father named me Munford! I am not a junior! The happy ending part is that my father and I became very close as his values became my values!

 

You may have also realized that I was Spelvin’s best friend. There is a certain irony here because how could this happen as we went to different high schools—Spelvin went to Lower Mumption Falls High School and I went to Upper Mumption Falls High School. Partly it was because each of us was the captain of our school’s debate team. Consequently, we became fervent rivals. The debates were held at the Mumption Falls Metro YMCA. After the debate, which was attended by many students and adults, there was time for refreshments and discussion about the debate. The two English teachers who sponsored the debate teams would stay to answer questions and sometimes get into a rather heated debate with each other and some of the people in the community lol!

As it is often with rivals, they begin to understand that they both are fierce competitors and they have the same passion for living to the fullest! This was what happened between me and Spelvin! We continued to debate each other after everyone had left the YMCA. We began to understand that we could be good friends! The result, of course, was that Spelvin told me about problems with being coordinationally-challenged and his concept of gummage. Since it turned out I was also coordinationally-challenged, I was immediately hooked on the idea! You will soon find out how we each went to our principals, teachers, friends, and community to develop the game for our two schools.

 

I am also writing this publication in an effort to establish a foundation in honor of Spelvin Goolie to support future activities for the coordinationally-challenged human being. Consequently, this publication will be sprinkled with requests for financial support for the foundation by offering memorabilia from the early days of gummage and advertisements from our sponsors.

 

Spelvin Goolie Funding Foundation for the Coordinationally- Challenged

 SGFFOCC*

Phairlee Eezzy, President

 

 In honor of the recent passing of that great conceiver of gummage, and probably the greatest left reekerbacker ever to hold a reekerbacker chelde, we have started a trust fund for our mammoth fiscal endeavor. Our endeavor is to glean coordinationally-challenged events from the lives of our readers via this blog. If your heart pounds with the sounds of gummage, as mine does, please send cash only, in any amount you can pull out of your budget (or anyone else’s for that matter lol), and send it to: SGFFOCC, Attention: Chester Minnows, Chester’s Bank & Bait Shoppe, #56, Mumption Falls Metro Mall, Lower Mumption Falls, IA 50505-0505.

 

Gummage for the Coordinationally-Challenged Two coming on 5/21/25

Spelvin’s Answer, Gummage Basics

 

Mailing address: Gummage Headquarters Microphones and Cotton Candy, #12, Mumption Falls Mall, Lower Mumption Falls, Iowa 50505-0505

Emil: munford33rutz@gummage.net

* pronounced “sigfock”